newly discovered magic of actual one on one time with my girls, as a co parent
About a week ago, my co parent parent partner, our girls dad, and I, mapped out this trip he was needing to take. All our co parent decisions take this, when it’s 50/50, and it’s not always easy, and often with us, on year 6 now, since the transition from married to co parent, we can do this well. A mature conversation about the schedule with our girls and how to navigate that day, week, or a trip. There’s still plenty of not nailing it. Especially earlier on in year 1 and 2, eye roll emoji’s, a vent to a dear girlfriend, and deep breaths. BUT, last couple years, it’s gotten much easier. This schedule shift in June, was an easy one for us, thank God.
We decided, with our girls, that he would just take Naila to our home town area for this important memorial, an Ohana Uncle for his dear friend, and then invitation to a house boat with our brother and his kids, their cousins, and our brother’s parents, our Ohana Grandparents. Our oldest, Daysha would stay with me. She has a dance camp most evenings in June she is so stoked about, which is new, for us. We are usually more of a lean into the freedom of Summer and a less/no schedule Kinda families. But, she’s a pre teen now, and she has really grown into this love and talent for dance. #appledidn’tfallfar. She didn’t wanna go and wanted to stay.
This was gonna give us a day and a half of one on one time with one kid, followed by a two week stretch of one on one time with the the other kid.
The longest we have ever ever had…
Which I see now, flooded all of of our hearts. It was like we all needed these weeks. This NEVER happens. I mean, we want it to. We’ve talked about it. But in the co parent juggle it’s just hard to figure out. So, it just never happens, expect few hours here or there. Our girls are very different. One is almost 11 going on 16, old soul, stealthy wise. Sassy, Surfs, dances LOVES hanging with her friends, watching TV, and needs solid, calmer presence, while also eager for every thing to happen NOW. Our youngest is almost 7, silly, sings all day, paints’s or draws all day, loves to swim and be under water, and walk the little trails in the trees nearby, adores every animal, will wrestle ya, and needs cuddles. THEY are together alllll the time. And, I have been noticing ridiculous amounts of bickering and tears. Yelling and Maaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhmmmmmmm…. Daysha did ….. or Naila did …. to which I usually ignore it and say uh huh. Meanwhile, I just got out of the busiest I have ever been since being a single mama. I always teach dance, but this last season/year with Covid kine things, besides offering natural health, immune and emotional aid, selling doTERRA and offering my light and love online, all ramped up. So did wanting to BE there for our youth here. With none… to then very limited : in person schooling. Almost NONE for Jr. High and High School (the ages I teach), I committed and did a lot between Essentialshine, teaching 8,10,11 classes a week, mom life. It made for a too full plate for my comfort. Though, it GAVE us all so much too. My income needs included.
Before they took off we decided that we’ld swap and give the kid we would not see for two weeks, a day and a half. Then, we would each have the other kid for two weeks solo. I am about a week into this solo time with my oldest after a day and a half with my little.
Here is what I have learned about me. And Here is what I am learning about them…
My whole body is more relaxed. My nervous system chilled out. Usually juggling two very different needs and wants and energies. So THIS is kinda heaven to be honest. I also notice how I follow them more. My pace is slower, so I am more present, and I feel like I don’t need to lead so much. I am usually needing to push push push at least one of them, if not both. Especially Naila. She’s always always on HER time, so just getting OUT OF THE CAR, can take 10 min. Just one kid, who cares, no rush and our Summer schedules/ lack of so jammed packed, allow for it. Also truly, it was like I want each of them, to just Be her and I’d follow that and actually take delight in what I could see from their view’s. It felt so wonderful and wondrous and freeing with Naila. It feels so clear and easy with Daysha as almost my almost equal in how we run the days. I’m keeping this in my pocket forever… and making a mental note that even after Summer ends, and Schedules pick up, may WE keep it sometimes as this pace, and find this together, all 3, somehow.
I also just keep simplifying. I feel hyper focused. This is surreal to me. I am never thaaaaat focused. haha. First tattoo is a hummingbird on my back, cause my mama called me her hummingbird. Anyway, there’s this, mama bear knowing that all I can do, as a full time mama right now, instead of a co parent with 1/2 the week to myself and my work, is: mother, usual home things, and scramble a bit to get Daysha to playdates and with her aunties, so I can get longer stretches of work in. It’s like my soul and God are like… and that’s all we got kid. Maybe it’s 47, maybe it’s this peri menopause kicking in a higher gear, maybe it’s how I started the year, taking January to reboot and get more real about what it’s really really gonna take to build this life I need, and then want for the girls and I as a single mama. Real AF. If you know, you know. It’s still overwhelming mostly that I work to ease and reroute. Lots of tears and surrendering. Shit is real. But mostly I just keep doing the next thing and doing a TON of mindset and mediations, and have heightened my spiritual practice and prayers. Cannot do this alone. Good thing we are NEVER ALONE. #amen
Next it is my Mothering. No Shame here. Don’t shame on your self or others. ( thank you auntie Bernie). But definitely new awareness…. my tone, delivery and how we navigated the time. I felt at first I was talking, responding and mothering in slow mo. Then I quickly adapted. Ahhhh. Didn’t need a sharp constant direction. (literally exhaling more as I write this.. haha). Present calm voice talking. They are little humans and really rad ones at that. They respond really well to a calmer tone, and delivery. I’m Mexican Italian, it ain’t gonna always be this way. I love the LOUD crazy passionate family I grew up in. BUT, just noting this.
The parts I don’t like are my need to escape so much. A beer while I make dinner, getting on the phone again and again. The screen time I give them, just so I can “clock out” … All of these things I do not shame and still do. Co Parenting. Single Parenting. Single Income Home is A LOT. I know we all do what we need as parents. Fullest job we know. We gotta put food on the table and often impossible that 3 different people will all get what they want. But, I can also follow our energies. They, just like I, need and require time and space to be. Not easy to create every week, and in the juggle, requires me to say no, and not be at every Bday party and keep blinders on tight so as to not FOMO and not compare to the Jones ( who are the Jones anyway… I seriously ask myself this, because it’s a false perception of what we THINK that post or observation is! As I am yelling at Naila at some serene beach, and feeling pissed I have totally posted what Looked like an epic day. NOPE. Just had to get us all out. and we live on Kauai. NO JONES HERE.
Still a week left. Literally in my bed with my big girl who is healing up from some digestive flair up. So chill Sunday it is! Peppermint and Digestzen saving us. And I will keep writing and mama-ing. Gonna pull weeds so Naila can plant when she gets back later. Get both our hands in the earth and bare feet in the ground. Sunshine on our skin.
Final thoughts. A deeper dive. Cause it’s me…
I know it’s just the usual to talk about HOW BUSY we are. HOW overwhelmed we are. How “it’s just non stop”. How full it always is. How nuts we always are. How (enter name) this kid is driving us nuts. Or (enter name) this kid won’t listen. These are things I have heard myself say over the last month… on repeat. These things about being busy are the things I have heard myself say since High School. And, Ya know what? Yes, there’s some Truth, and a vent is often necessary to let the air out and get it outta your dang head. AND I am OVER it…
Repeating this story so much. It’s a Victim Story. Ain’t nobody a Victim. I am so SOOOO over the “busy” whining, (which for me, had always been my life time most favorite way to escape and avoid real feelings, number one. Stay slammed busy). I make these choices. I decide. You want a less slammed schedule? But need to provide on your own. Work smarter not harder. So, where can I create and do that. Both Faith, connection to spirit AND digging bit deeper into specific’s on my time, learning new ways to exactly do this in my business. There ARE push seasons. Absolutely, I am not saying that. I am seeing with our island reopening - so many just slammed now! The end of month and new month are always full for me as a business. Holiday time is a full season typically in sales and marketing. I am talking about over all - scan back and find the weeks, months, to make new choices. Create new choices for long term effect as you learn how, now.
I am also over myself complaining about my kids. I flipping LOVE my girls for who they are! As a wise auntie once said, uh, you choose to become a mother and have that baby. Zing. YUP! So just the observation that it’s my choice, again, grace when’s it just life juggle, and also awareness to add in pockets, together, that can allow for all 3 to thrive as we are born and made to be. Different while being together.
Well, aint that the theme of Essentialshine for me. Shine for who you are born to be. Honor that in each other, especially in this world. And, it all starts with how we treat our own selves and each other, in our homes. Sending shiny love and light over yours from ours with half on the mend.
