Releasing Shame

This year, I was lead to deep dive into my finances.

I have two dear friends also doing the same. Both also, single income home’s, also mama’s, tuning in to this learning, healing, changing and doing smarter and better.

One, organized a group of us to meet via zoom with a small group of fellow small business owners and a local financial advisor bi monthly to gather, review or learn steps into a healthy financial life and relationships with money. We shared our journeys openly and I learned, or was reminded rather, I am so so not alone!

Another still passes me various podcasts, programs and books.

I ate in all up. I still am.

I sit here, to pay bills this morning. And I cry. As I am living, for the very first time on an actual budget, on month 3 now. As I am finally truly wisely planning for my near and far future for me and the girls. As I am making adjustments, and changes every single week in the way money flows in and out of my bank accounts and the exact choices I make with literally every dollar.

Why the tears…

There are various amounts of Shame that keeps arising. I am 47. Essentialshine is about to turn 9. I have been charging and working hard and consistently my whole adulthood. Yes, I take GREAT pride and joy that I alone, fully support me and the girls (co parenting, but yes, they still need everything at each house), living on Kauai, with only doTERRA and the money I make teaching dance. Since 2016.

And I do mean, on my own. Turns out, some of the Shame I WAS feeling is erased simply because I did not realize how most get by with some kind of parents, or grandparents aid at some point I their adult life. In some way. Help purchasing a home, or with a car, or in an emergency, things of the like. I do not have that option. So, yes, I really mean, fully on my own. And Yes, I do hold great amounts of huge pride…

But.. I was not always smart with my money. While I am on Cloud 9! Feeling SO empowered, and wise and excited! While I am all ready seeing the results of making each little step. While I get elated! And using a budgeting app ( I use YNAB), and work with my own account and tax advisor…. I am very much processing such deep shame and self forgiveness.

I would have never ever guessed I would be HERE at this age. For me or for my girls. Life is most certainly uncertain. And, I didn’t always make great choices in my spending.

So…instead of bashing oneself …

I take pause and take giant breaths. I hold my hand over my heart and pray. I offer myself deep love and compassion and hear my grandmother, Mya’s and God’s voices.

Mya Angelou whispers, “when you know better you do better” And I hear her gorgeous wise aged African American tones, with her laugh. To me this says, Stay Present. NOW you know, move along darling, we have more work to do. You got this WE have you. The past is finished.

My grandma, Lita, just hugs me. She soothes my hair like she used to when she was alive and say’s two things, Trust God with all your heart. And OH, Life, it’s a tricky thing but you gotta keep it going. This was what her late husband, my Grandpa Tony 100% Italian in his thick accent would say.

God Says, take my hand. it’s actually Jesus I always see. HIs eyes of the deepest compassion I have ever seen portrayed in The Choosen, by that actor. And my skin gets goosebumps. and my heart races and I just know that I know that I KNOW. I am surrounded by spirit and am never ever alone. And perhaps, my love, this was the plan all along #wink (God always has an incredible sense of humor)

And I then keep going.

And now, I build us to have a safe, comfortable future, so I can honor my body that is finally starting to need to really go slower, at least sometimes, and not have to work so hard or much. Because I now budget and plan. The artist in me is giggling in awe. “This is crazy ! She says! WOW” and she twirls away….The President of Essentialshine in me is just a tad bit rolling her eye’s, it took this long, but, that aside, sitting, beautify proud at my desk. Wings. This is when I feel wings.

Money is indeed just like our time and energy choices.

There are NO victims.

We choose.

How we spend our time, our days, our weeks. And how we spend our money. To take the energy I all ready apply to my time and energy choices, I now also include my money choices. Very realistic, Clear and self responsible. I knew this about time and often share it with you. I learned about pushing too hard too often. So that is why I preach, rest, slower, pausing, tapping IN often. We are human Beings not Human doings. And as working mama’s or papa’s or anyone in big juggles we forget often, we actually CAN make smarter time/ schedule choices and say NO more often.

I now make (mostly) (cause I am human) really smart money choices. It does not feel as new and I am in a new rhythm. And, I am taking the time to pause and breathe through the feelings under the surface. Healing is the Best work I feel we all can do for our cells and each other.

If you have any Shame you are also breathing through in your life, I suggest the oils I listed above. VERY powerful to help mend, release, feel supported and keep moving onward.

I send my love, and light and hold you in prayer today with me. What a brave soul you are for facing it and loving yourself through it. Onward we go.

May you Shine for all that you are.